You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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