not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
