i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
