i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so let's talk penis.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Randomize
