I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
