Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Ketchup is God's man juice
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
