Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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