i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
