So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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