My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
