there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
