Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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