He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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