I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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