$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
