I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize