I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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