hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
