will power is for people who don't want to get laid
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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