Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
