They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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