1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
