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I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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