If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
