If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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