how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
