I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize