So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
