I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
