saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
