I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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