I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
