So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
