you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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