can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
