The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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