My Higher Power is John Stamos
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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