I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just gift wrapped bread.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
