drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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