Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
