wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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