we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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