one two three fourrrrnication!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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