Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize