i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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