I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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