Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
