I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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