I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
