I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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