i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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