Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
