I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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