My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
