I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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