I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
