Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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