im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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