i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
