Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
