I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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