I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
